Got Kids?

My inspiration comes from my sweet, carefree, friend, Joy H. I love to read her Facebook posts and her blog, "Confessions of a Southern Socialite". She tells of the parties she attends, and of the places she travels. Her hair always looks great in the photo evidence of said events and she's always smiling. I can't say for sure what kind of vehicle Joy drives, but I have a hunch it's not a mini van. How does she do it all, while remaining perfectly coiffed and accessorized, you ask? Joy does not live with children.

I will wager whatever coins are in the console of the van that her week didn't include the following:

* A stuffed cat, hog-tied with the extra seat belt that hangs from the van ceiling, dangling up high over the back seats and in plain view of all surrounding vehicles.

* A rotten, half-eaten apple tossed into a TJMaxx bag that hung on a bedroom door knob for a couple of weeks...on top of two items that WERE to be returned to the store, but instead went straight into the trash.

* A Mario Brothers doll in the freezer.

* Grease on her leather couch.

So, my sweet social butterfly...you enjoy those homemade tacos, rice, popcorn and movie without interruptions. You enjoy not vacuuming up tacos, rice, and popcorn. We'll be here in the trenches...secretly waiting for your call & offer to babysit. Or raise them. We're not choosey. ; )

~dpg

Walk of Shame...

While she was away on vacay, my oldest offspring calls me from another phone to let me know her cell phone is not working. Days pass and she is without her life line! She starts to get a little antsy about how much longer it will be until we can have it checked out.

She said, "I've tried turning it off and on again, but after a few minutes, it freezes up then the screen goes black." She assures me that it's fully charged, too.

So, finally I went to the phone store. Wheeled right up to the front door. What luck! We're the only customers and we are helped right away! Phone Guy takes a look at it. He pops out the battery, the SIM card, all that jazz. Phone Guy hands it to Offspring so she can type in her passcode and unlock the phone. After typing in 20-30 digits, Offspring hands it back to Phone Guy. "It's a cell phone, not Fort Knox," I whisper to Offspring. Aha! Phone Guy has found the problem! Already?? Wow.

"Ma'am," he says with a straight face. "It's not charged."

The look I bored into Offspring said it all.

I thanked Phone Guy sheepishly, gathered the rest of my chicks and took that long walk of shame from the counter to the door. The salt in the wound? That I was piling back into my soccer-mom minivan. The only thing that could have shamed me more was wearing one of those plastic cones a dog gets from the vet.

--dpg

You Found What Where?!

I hope I'm not alone in this ritual of escapism I've developed. The one where I sit here zoned out in front of this computer when I should be cleaning, organizing, and just being a productive member of society. Gah, it makes me tired just typing all those verbs.

I used to be so energetic! My house was relatively cleaned on a routine basis, I used to cook big country suppers every night, laundry never got taller than my knees, and I even exercised. What happened??! That once-perfect apartment I kept so chic and smelling good with candles burning? History. I know now that having a small space can be a blessing! This house is three times bigger than that apartment and I've acquired three times the headache keeping it ....no, I'm not even going to type "clean" because that's just not how it is. I remember being soooo excited when I finally got that extra-deep stainless steel kitchen sink! Reality check: that just means you can pile even more dirty dishes up before you're guilted into loading them into the AUTOMATIC DISHWASHER! File that little tip away under 'LAZY'.

Let's talk about my other nemesis: laundry. Where the hell to I even start with this one? God love my best friend, because she is the only one outside this house that knows first-hand that my hallway IS my laundry basket. She never judges. Still, it's easier to keep up with the Kardashians than to keep up with our laundry, and here's why. It's July...summer vacation and hot as hades, yet in the hamper I find a winter coat and long school uniform pants. I'm not done. I also find a pair of scissors, two stuffed animals, a doll head, a kitchen fork, a Pull-Up, and the lid to a cardboard box. If I'm lying, I'm dying. The two youngest "cleaned" their room, and now I see how they made so much progress. I could go on about this subject but you don't have the time and I don't have the energy.

Alright, so if eeeeeverything worth having is piled up in the hallway dirty, what in the world did the girls wear to town today? Let me simply say nothing matched and I didn't care. It was clean and covering all necessary parts. I used to see Those Moms before and think, "Ugh...I'm gonna dress my kids sooo cute all the time."
Pffft. You'll wear whatever you have that's this side of being arrested and doesn't need ironing. Frosty spilled down the front of your white shirt? Aw, nobody will even notice. You say your wearing two different flip flops? That's great! We only have to go to the bank, grocery, and Lowe's. **insert sarcastic face here**

I do love being a parent, but there are days when I just have to put the brakes on.
I just wish there could be a better balance the majority of the time. Putting things back where they found them might help offset those times when I find they've honest-to-goodness wrapped the dog in an entire spool of tulle in the backyard, and one end is tethered to the swing. If you think I'm making up any bit of this, I invite you to come spend the day with us. I dare you.

~DPG