Got Kids?

My inspiration comes from my sweet, carefree, friend, Joy H. I love to read her Facebook posts and her blog, "Confessions of a Southern Socialite". She tells of the parties she attends, and of the places she travels. Her hair always looks great in the photo evidence of said events and she's always smiling. I can't say for sure what kind of vehicle Joy drives, but I have a hunch it's not a mini van. How does she do it all, while remaining perfectly coiffed and accessorized, you ask? Joy does not live with children.

I will wager whatever coins are in the console of the van that her week didn't include the following:

* A stuffed cat, hog-tied with the extra seat belt that hangs from the van ceiling, dangling up high over the back seats and in plain view of all surrounding vehicles.

* A rotten, half-eaten apple tossed into a TJMaxx bag that hung on a bedroom door knob for a couple of weeks...on top of two items that WERE to be returned to the store, but instead went straight into the trash.

* A Mario Brothers doll in the freezer.

* Grease on her leather couch.

So, my sweet social butterfly...you enjoy those homemade tacos, rice, popcorn and movie without interruptions. You enjoy not vacuuming up tacos, rice, and popcorn. We'll be here in the trenches...secretly waiting for your call & offer to babysit. Or raise them. We're not choosey. ; )

~dpg

Walk of Shame...

While she was away on vacay, my oldest offspring calls me from another phone to let me know her cell phone is not working. Days pass and she is without her life line! She starts to get a little antsy about how much longer it will be until we can have it checked out.

She said, "I've tried turning it off and on again, but after a few minutes, it freezes up then the screen goes black." She assures me that it's fully charged, too.

So, finally I went to the phone store. Wheeled right up to the front door. What luck! We're the only customers and we are helped right away! Phone Guy takes a look at it. He pops out the battery, the SIM card, all that jazz. Phone Guy hands it to Offspring so she can type in her passcode and unlock the phone. After typing in 20-30 digits, Offspring hands it back to Phone Guy. "It's a cell phone, not Fort Knox," I whisper to Offspring. Aha! Phone Guy has found the problem! Already?? Wow.

"Ma'am," he says with a straight face. "It's not charged."

The look I bored into Offspring said it all.

I thanked Phone Guy sheepishly, gathered the rest of my chicks and took that long walk of shame from the counter to the door. The salt in the wound? That I was piling back into my soccer-mom minivan. The only thing that could have shamed me more was wearing one of those plastic cones a dog gets from the vet.

--dpg

You Found What Where?!

I hope I'm not alone in this ritual of escapism I've developed. The one where I sit here zoned out in front of this computer when I should be cleaning, organizing, and just being a productive member of society. Gah, it makes me tired just typing all those verbs.

I used to be so energetic! My house was relatively cleaned on a routine basis, I used to cook big country suppers every night, laundry never got taller than my knees, and I even exercised. What happened??! That once-perfect apartment I kept so chic and smelling good with candles burning? History. I know now that having a small space can be a blessing! This house is three times bigger than that apartment and I've acquired three times the headache keeping it ....no, I'm not even going to type "clean" because that's just not how it is. I remember being soooo excited when I finally got that extra-deep stainless steel kitchen sink! Reality check: that just means you can pile even more dirty dishes up before you're guilted into loading them into the AUTOMATIC DISHWASHER! File that little tip away under 'LAZY'.

Let's talk about my other nemesis: laundry. Where the hell to I even start with this one? God love my best friend, because she is the only one outside this house that knows first-hand that my hallway IS my laundry basket. She never judges. Still, it's easier to keep up with the Kardashians than to keep up with our laundry, and here's why. It's July...summer vacation and hot as hades, yet in the hamper I find a winter coat and long school uniform pants. I'm not done. I also find a pair of scissors, two stuffed animals, a doll head, a kitchen fork, a Pull-Up, and the lid to a cardboard box. If I'm lying, I'm dying. The two youngest "cleaned" their room, and now I see how they made so much progress. I could go on about this subject but you don't have the time and I don't have the energy.

Alright, so if eeeeeverything worth having is piled up in the hallway dirty, what in the world did the girls wear to town today? Let me simply say nothing matched and I didn't care. It was clean and covering all necessary parts. I used to see Those Moms before and think, "Ugh...I'm gonna dress my kids sooo cute all the time."
Pffft. You'll wear whatever you have that's this side of being arrested and doesn't need ironing. Frosty spilled down the front of your white shirt? Aw, nobody will even notice. You say your wearing two different flip flops? That's great! We only have to go to the bank, grocery, and Lowe's. **insert sarcastic face here**

I do love being a parent, but there are days when I just have to put the brakes on.
I just wish there could be a better balance the majority of the time. Putting things back where they found them might help offset those times when I find they've honest-to-goodness wrapped the dog in an entire spool of tulle in the backyard, and one end is tethered to the swing. If you think I'm making up any bit of this, I invite you to come spend the day with us. I dare you.

~DPG

Pointers from a fed-up Mom...

So that I don't loose what's left of my mind, I'm about to brainstorm here on my "blawg". Here, I'll make a few suggestions - off the top of my head, of course. Nothing pre-meditated here.

10) From now on, glasses will not be used at the dinner table. The kids can either sip the milk straight from the table surface or suck it straight out of paper towels.

9) Two cups of acorns, a palmful of pepples or 15 cents in pennies shall be added to all loads of laundry, thus making a wet, exploded Pull-Up inside the washing machine seem like a walk in the park.

8) A 50-ft water hose will be run straight from the back patio through the den, kitchen and hallway straight into the guest lavatory for all baths and/or showers. This way, gallons of water in the floor won't be a surprise.

7) 25 will be the new default volume on all televisions and radios. This will serve as Deafening Noise Bootcamp. Afterward, Parents can boastfully attest that the screams, yelps, and blood-curdling tattling will not even register.

6) All meals will sauce, melted cheese, and/or sticky glazes shall be consumed in the family minivan. Wet Wipes available on request.

5) Should said minivan be at the detail shop for 10 consecutive days for cleaning overhaul,
slippery meals such as noodles, rice, etc. will be served on slippery melamine plates. Children will be encouraged to fix their own plate. Bonus points for tipping the plate as they walk to the table.

4) Sanford & Son reruns shall play on a continual loop, therefore mapping out a specific plan for how much more crap will be required for littering the front lawn. Bonus points for out of season clothig items. (i.e. wool winter coats in the summer; half of a bikini in the winter.)

3) Large, classy objects d'arte shall be replaced throughout family home with small, sharp knick-knacks and bric-a-brac. Think "Jacks" and "safety pins". Extra point if found in hallway carpet...in the dark.

2) Dry, in-tact rolls of toilet paper shall be off limits. All toilet paper must meet these requirements: *on the floor; *shredded; *damp, preferably from bath water, and so on.

1) Forego any stops at the 181 Shell station's "Beer Cave". Buy in bulk from Sam's.

DPG

The Cycle of Good

I'm a firm believer that anything good you do always makes it's way back to you. As a Christian, I live by faith...faith that God loves me more than I can even fathom and that He will always meet my needs as the arise.

Just recently, I was reminded of the story of God's people searching for their promise land. As they were in the wilderness, they were taken care of but not all at once. There was no "stockpile" of blessings. The Bible says it rained manna from heaven, but only enough to take care of them until next time. That kept their eyes on God and their faith strong. If they'd had enough to gather and save, they might have rested on their prayer laurels a bit and thought themselves sufficient, inadvertantly putting God on the back burner so to speak.

In my life and with what I'm doing in the current chapter, I'm trying to be sensitive to the whispers of they Holy Spirit. I guard myself from doing what I think is best and remember to just let God choose for me. That's as good as going directly to the front of the line.

I've had some really good breaks lately and a few doors have opened. I'm so excited and I know that it's all from above--modern day manna. Thanks to my friends and family for their supporting roles and thanks to my Heavenly Father for lining up all the events and players. My heart is full and it gives me the desire to share these good feelings and keep the cycle moving.

DPG

Profiled at "the Walgreens"

I couldn't decide which emotion to feel just now leaving Walgreens: humor or insecurity?

You know those machines at the checkout register that spit out (more like vomit) those coupons? One day it cranked out SIX coupons, with a line of impatient people behind me. The cashier kind of guilts you into waiting around for them, and I really like to do my part to keep peer pressure alive, so I stood right there like a doofus until it was done. With the exception of an occasional "$1.00 OFF" they are never for the products that I actually use. For example, you buy milk and get a coupon for bunyun pads. I've often wondered why they are so random and polar.

And then there was today's trip: vitamins. Lots and lots of vitamins. Last night when I couldn't sleep, I used my time to research vitamins for this and that. I have self-diagnosed a biotin deficiency (thank you, internet.) I found a great hair, nail and skin formula and since they had lots of others on BOGO sale, I stocked up on iron tablets. I guess that was the OLD LADY vitamin-combo jackpot, because that stupid machine gave me three coupons, none of which were for vitamins.
I got one for HAIR COLOR -- because Coupon Machine Programmer assumes if I'm on a supplement binge I'm getting gray, too? One for ADULT DIAPERS -- because if I'm graying, surely I must be "lauging and leaking"? And finally, one for CAT TREATS -- because if I'm gray and wetting myself, certainly I live with a house full of cats??

I really need to write a letter of complaint, but one of those three is correct. :P

DPG

Little Ladies vs. Jail Bait

When I became a mom, gone were the days of acting on impulse and impromptu shopping trips. Now, even for a trip to the grocery store, I've got to dress three people. Thank goodness because it used to be four with Liv. Sometimes I think it's not worth the hassle and consider ordering everything online from deoderant to bread.

Today, after (once again) not being able to find anything I was looking for that the girls could wear to town and NOT embarrass me, I vowed to buy them both enough nice outfits to last a week without doing laundry. I was ready to melt that bank card if it came down to it. As is always the case, you either have the means but can't find a thing, or you see endless possibilities and have a very limited pocketbook.

I dragged the girls through JCPenney, Kohls, Belk, Dillards, and finally Old Navy.
I should have returned home with a steamer trunk full of precious things for them, but never have I been so disappointed. Who is in charge of buying for these stores?!
I expect to see tacky crap at Walmart, but the department stores? I had my heart set on some adorable seersucker capri sets. Inventor of Seersucker, oh how I put you on a pedistal! You rescue me from that menial task of ironing, and let me fish things out of the dryer and sling them directly on my kids! Where was your genius today?

All my eyes could see store after store were these tacky, cheap, short, jail-bait looking clothes...for preschoolers! Just take a stroll through the little girls department next time you're out. Everything has glitter. No. Everything has something metallic plastered across the front. NO! Who is designing this stuff? They obviously don't have female offspring--can't have. Did anybody do market research for this customer base? "Hello, ma'am...tell me, what are you looking for when you dress your toddler?" (insert Walmart dialect here) "Waell, I like those slip on tattoo sleeves (BTW, I actually saw these in Walmart!) lots of black, metallic, attached chains, and some lace to make it fru-fru like that Hanner Montaner."

Today, I almost took a picture of a t-shirt that said "I ♥ WOLVES". Huh?? Other t-shirts I saw that will never be seen on my daughters: "Juicy", "Naughty but mostly nice", "I'm Purrrr-fect", "Rock It", something about "I've got happiness growing in my garden", and other suggestive slogans. Seriously? That's so stupid. I'm knocking myself out trying to raise little ladies and everything out there is trying to mold them into potential jail bait. I never wore shorts that looked like panties, and my daughters won't either. A three year old doesn't need to work a mini skirt, either.

I did find a couple of really cute things at Belk today, but since it was an early stop on my list, I scoffed at paying the still-high sale price. I guess the laugh is on me because it was the classiest thing I saw all day.

So, I guess I could have taken the easy route and come back with a few bare-back ensembles, but I passed. No new spring attire, however, my solace is rooted in the hope that they will never have a mugshot.

DPG