Pointers from a fed-up Mom...

So that I don't loose what's left of my mind, I'm about to brainstorm here on my "blawg". Here, I'll make a few suggestions - off the top of my head, of course. Nothing pre-meditated here.

10) From now on, glasses will not be used at the dinner table. The kids can either sip the milk straight from the table surface or suck it straight out of paper towels.

9) Two cups of acorns, a palmful of pepples or 15 cents in pennies shall be added to all loads of laundry, thus making a wet, exploded Pull-Up inside the washing machine seem like a walk in the park.

8) A 50-ft water hose will be run straight from the back patio through the den, kitchen and hallway straight into the guest lavatory for all baths and/or showers. This way, gallons of water in the floor won't be a surprise.

7) 25 will be the new default volume on all televisions and radios. This will serve as Deafening Noise Bootcamp. Afterward, Parents can boastfully attest that the screams, yelps, and blood-curdling tattling will not even register.

6) All meals will sauce, melted cheese, and/or sticky glazes shall be consumed in the family minivan. Wet Wipes available on request.

5) Should said minivan be at the detail shop for 10 consecutive days for cleaning overhaul,
slippery meals such as noodles, rice, etc. will be served on slippery melamine plates. Children will be encouraged to fix their own plate. Bonus points for tipping the plate as they walk to the table.

4) Sanford & Son reruns shall play on a continual loop, therefore mapping out a specific plan for how much more crap will be required for littering the front lawn. Bonus points for out of season clothig items. (i.e. wool winter coats in the summer; half of a bikini in the winter.)

3) Large, classy objects d'arte shall be replaced throughout family home with small, sharp knick-knacks and bric-a-brac. Think "Jacks" and "safety pins". Extra point if found in hallway carpet...in the dark.

2) Dry, in-tact rolls of toilet paper shall be off limits. All toilet paper must meet these requirements: *on the floor; *shredded; *damp, preferably from bath water, and so on.

1) Forego any stops at the 181 Shell station's "Beer Cave". Buy in bulk from Sam's.

DPG